#Creativity – On Fear

Fear is paralyzing me as a creative.

Before we dropped into the whole Covid-19/Worldwide Pandemic sinkhole, I was struggling. Without going into the “poor, poor pitiful me” routine, life had been tough for a couple years. I’m headed to the milepost of four years without full-time employment. I’ve found enough part-time work to keep our heads above water. That work has not been mentally or emotionally fulfilling (which can make up for poor pay), and it has exhausted me. Diagnosis of mild depression, the whole stupid special edition set.

But the unemployment package available takes care of the financial shortfall, and the job search continues. Plus, free time! Lots of time to explore, expand, create.

Except I’m not.

I haven’t written a word of a fresh story since mid-March. A couple movie reviews for the other blog, some communications work for my home parish, a single new post for this blog. One trip out with my camera. My production for four months time. Beyond that? A vast creative wasteland.

Why?

I have ideas, including new ones since the world came to a stop. Shoot, I have an idea ABOUT a side effect of the pandemic that has gotten positive reactions from the folks I’ve run it by. That’s not the problem. My internal creative sourdough starter is bubbling, thank you.

Why? Because I’m afraid.

This is the time we yearned for, the time with no other demands on our attention. If we only had the time, oh, the things we could do!

And yet…

When I opened my eyes and looked inward without flinching, fear looked back. The issue is this-what if this is the time when it becomes clear without contradiction that I’m just not very good? With all my tools at the ready, the time to use them, and my energy restored, what if this is when I discover that it was all a mirage?

Fear is standing in my way. Fear that my best is behind me, fear that I am as big a fraud as that hectoring voice has always claimed, fear that…whatever.

I hate that discovery. I hate that fear has, once again, taken my life by the throat and tried to squeeze the joy out of everything. That time is over. It begins with speaking the truth of that fear into reality. It begins with writing this post. It begins with taking the chance, writing more, trying some podcast ideas, taking the camera out more.

And it may be garbage, and this may be as good as it will get. But creating brings me joy, joy that does not come unless I call it.

I’m making that call now. I hope you are too.

Peace.