Sometimes There's Just No Hope

 

Once Upon A Time In Venice (2017) – A retired cop turned private investigator tries to help a friend.  Unfortunately, it puts him in the crosshairs of several local gangs, one of which steals his dog.  Only an unusual string of tasks can reunite them.

Directed by Mark Cullen                             Starring – Bruce Willis, John Goodman, Jason Momoa

Why I Liked It: Goofy, “time to kill on a weekend” kind of movie.

It’s not like I went into this movie with any expectations.  Bruce Willis has starred in a lot of “Just pay me” movies for a (long) while now.  But the cast looked interesting.  Besides the guys listed above, add in Famke Janssen and Adam Goldberg.  The title tries to intrigue movie buffs, and there is a decided whiff of the “John Wick” storyline here.  So it was a lazy Saturday, and I had time to kill.

Sigh.

This movie was exactly what I thought it was, and it was worse.  Thomas Middleditch (one of the Verizon commercial guys) plays John, the wannabe private eye, junior partner to Steve Ford (Willis).  He also does a voiceover narration to the movie.  With few exceptions, this storytelling device annoys me.  This is not one of the exceptions.  John is the big, gangling puppy to Steve’s tough old dog.  Goodman plays Steve’s best friend, Dave.  Describing Dave is hard.  Is he stupid, high, mentally challenged?  He comes off as most of those.  With no explanation.  At all.

This is where we run into the primary obstacle to enjoying this movie.  Thinking.  Whatever you do, do not spend any time at all thinking about this movie.  As soon as you start thinking, it all comes crashing down.

What’s the deal with Dave?  Why does Steve have such an enormous doofus as John anywhere near his business?  Does John really get the girl (who is way, WAY out of his league) by being nice to her mom?  Why is Spyder (Momoa) described as this terrible, vicious drug lord when he’s played as a kind of cool, laid back dude?  Why does Steve have a reputation for knowing everyone in Venice, but has John looking for people?  When a local greets Steve, he admits he has no idea who he is.  Did they shoot the first draft of this script?  Because there’s only minimal cohesion of a story here.  And last, but absolutely not least, what the BLEEP is going on at the ending?  I won’t “spoil” it for you, (I’m in hysterics writing that last bit.  This movie is spoiled from top to bottom) but the ending is nonsense.  From a classic storytelling point of view, the movie ends BEFORE the climax and with no falling action, or resolution.  One minute you’re watching one character in dire straits, and then the credits roll.  I don’t know what to tell you.  It’s wretched storytelling and movie making.

But if you refuse to think about it, and just roll with the goofiness…

It’s still a terrible movie, but it has its fun moments.

(Be advised, naked Bruce Willis, semi-naked young women, fair amount of bad language, really, REALLY vulgar graffiti murals)

Rating – ** Not Impressed.  (A better ending might have pushed it into the bottom level of a ***)