The Bikini That Almost Saved Christmas

 Except Nothing Can Save This

Christmas With the Kranks (2004) – When Luther (Allen) and Norah (Curtis) Krank discover they will be empty nesters at Christmas for the first time, Luther suggests just skipping the entire Christmas season. This results in a major conflict with his neighbors.

Directed by Joe Roth

Starring Tim Allen, Jamie Lee Curtis, Dan Aykroyd, M. Emmet Walsh, Cheech Marin

Why I Liked It – Jamie Lee Curtis in a bikini.

No point in sugar coating what is to follow. This is easily the worst Christmas movie I’ve watched in years. Despite a cast of talented performers, what you get is a muddled mess. There’s a feeling of some Scrooge-like redemption story here with Luther Krank, but his transformation comes abruptly with no obvious cause. He’s called Scrooge a couple times with a few “Humbugs” thrown in, but there’s no development of the iconic storyline. The basic story is that anyone who steps away from the communal, gaudy, materialistic, consumerist version of Christmas is to be punished until they conform. All Luther wants to do is not have to spend thousands of dollars on stuff he doesn’t care about, and instead spend it on a romantic ten-day cruise with his wife.

I know, horrors, right?

The reaction of the neighbors and local merchants is outrage. They gather, like the villagers from a monster movie, on the front doorstep of the Kranks’ home demanding money, conformity, and, never to be forgotten, Frosty the Snowman. It just keeps getting worse. Christmas carolers (from a local church!) agree to become part of the campaign against this outrage, but then sing no real Christmas carols. Dan Akroyd’s character is the unofficial “mayor” of the street, whose primary role is keeping people focused on their Christmastime dystopia. There are some gratuitous cat abuse gags, and a Frosty with unexplained glowing eyes. There’s some kind of evil/vengeful thing going on here, I assume, because Luther doesn’t want to install Frosty on the roof.

It’s all idiotic.

It’s one slapstick gag after another (none of which are done as well as “Home Alone” did theirs), and a cast of quality character actors with nothing but nonsense to do. Worst of all is how Jamie Lee Curtis is wasted here. (Transparency note – I have had a HUGE crush on Jamie Lee Curtis for decades) Norah is a squealing school girl of a woman, who hides under a blanket when her neighbors come to the door for Frosty. No idea if she had fun making the movie, but as a fan,for I’m embarrassed for her. As noted above, the highlight of the movie for me is seeing her in a bikini. Which is pretty sad in a Christmas movie.

The ending is ridiculous as well. There’s an unexplained Santa storyline, an artificial happy ending that has no foundation for what happens before. Similar to “Home Alone,” the movie’s first ten minutes are filled with people being nasty. Bizarrely, one scene with Luther uses the cheery LeRoy Anderson composition “The Typewriter”. There is a random scene involving Botox. Equally bizarre is that this is an adaptation of a story by bestselling legal thriller author John Grisham. I’ve read a lot of Grisham, and this movie is as un-Grisham-like as I can imagine.

Rating – ** Not Impressed